Redneck Motherfuckers in Politics: Tim James Says to Speak English or Get the Fuck out of Alabama

I'll just let the bigoted dumbfuck good ole boy cocksucker speak for "hisself":

Stereotypical Alabama Redneck on American Idol

Jesse Hamilton is from Alabama. He recently auditioned for American Idol and here's the clip from the show:



Hear that mumbling southern hick accent? Practically everyone I know who's from here sounds exactly like that. Why would American Idol take him all the way through the audition process and not only televise it, but take the time to produce a "dramatization" of his story? It's simple. Because to most of America, Alabama (not to mention the South in general) is a fucking joke. It's a punchline. It's one big trailer park that shits out inbred yokels like this clown that they can laugh at. It makes them feel better about themselves.

And it should.

If you're not from the deep south, there's a pretty good chance you make more money, are more educated, live in a better city, and are an all around better person than most who live here. So keep laughing because Alabama deserves it. Maybe if all of you laugh loud enough then the people of this state will finally pull their heads out of their proud redneck asses and realize that this is not, in fact, the Greatest Place on Earth and the healing can finally begin.

Alabama is Full of Bible Thumping Jesus Freaks

Alabama is the second most religious state in the country, with it's next door neighbor Mississippi being the first. According to this article from USA Today 82% of Alabamians consider religion "an important part" of their lives.

Alabama is the buckle of the Bible Belt.

I've lived here most of my life and I can say for a fact that practically everyone I've ever known is a fundamentalist Christian who believes in a literal interpretation of the Bible. Christianity is so prevalent here that everyone basically just assumes you are a Christian upon meeting you. Most social gatherings and interactions here center around the church, which is convenient considering you can find one about every 50 feet on any street in any town. The town where I attended high school had one gas station, one BBQ joint, one traffic light, and 16 churches.

This is, after all, the state where Alabama Supreme Court Judge Roy Moore caused national controversy when he placed a monument of the Ten Commandments within a state court house. Separation of church and state anyone? The large majority of people that I spoke too about the issue fully supported Moore's actions and most seem to be of the mind that our justice system should be wholly controlled and dictated by Christian values. In February 2002, Chief Justice Moore issued an opinion which expressed his belief that the State should rightfully use its powers to punish homosexual behavior, stating at one point

"Homosexual behavior is a ground for divorce, an act of sexual misconduct punishable as a crime in Alabama, a crime against nature, an inherent evil, and an act so heinous that it defies one’s ability to describe it. "

Roy Moore is going to run for Governor of Alabama this year and I'll bet he gets elected. Rednecks love Jesus and hate homosexuals, and Alabama is certainly full of rednecks. Here's Judge Roy Moore reading a poem that he wrote about the Declaration of Independence called "Our American Birthright".



Fundamentalist Christianity deeply affects every aspect of life here. The majority of our news media is Christian biased. Our local newspaper has a Baptist minister as editor in chief. The front page often features religious interest stories where issues of faith and the Bible are given the same matter-of-fact treatment that papers in other parts of the country would give a topic such as a political race or a city construction project.

In the 7th grade, when my science class got to the section on Evolution, my science teacher stood in front of us and stated

"Now this is where we're supposed to talk about Evolution. I think we all know that God created the Earth in seven days, so we're just going to skip over this nonsense."

True story. Not one single person in that class had a problem with this (well, besides me).

Here in Alabama you can find a shocking number of fucking adults who literally believe that the Earth is only 6000 years old, that dinosaurs never existed, that a man named Noah placed two of every single motherfucking animal on the PLANET into a boat, and that one day a magical Jesus is going to return to take them Heaven.

This is a scary place. You can't reason with people like that. Believe me, I've tried. It's like smashing your head into a brick wall over and over. People here, they don't know how to think. It's been bred out of them by generations of being thumped in the skull with a Bible. It's impossible to even get them to consider the possibility that their religion might be absurd nonsense. They're so afraid of being tortured for all eternity in Hell that they won't even allow themselves to consider questioning the beliefs that have been taught to them since the day they were born.

Where I live, you can't buy alcohol on Sunday. Where I live, you can't buy pornography in a store. You can't order XXX rated movies on cable, they're blocked by the states obscenity laws. You can't even buy sex toys. Seriously, they're illegal. There's no gambling, either. Gambling is a sin in the eyes of the all powerful Baby Jesus.

So basically, Alabama is full of ultra conservative, small-minded, dumbfuck, Bible thumping religious fucking zealots who hate everything fun.

Fuck You, Alabama.

I live smack in the middle of one of our great nation's cheapest punchlines.

The state of Alabama is like a joke that isn't funny anymore, but people just keep telling it over and over. Alabama consistently lands at or near the very bottom of most any statistical list that you'd want to be on the top of. We end up at the top of lists you'd want to be on the bottom of. There's a word for that:

Backwards.

I was unfortunate enough to have been born into a poor family in one of the absolutely worst parts of America. I moved away to a large metro in another state a few years ago, but when the recession hit I lost my job and was sucked right back into this fetid black hole of a land. I'm not at all happy about being here and am working as hard as I can to escape. It hasn't been easy as this place has a way of sucking the very soul from your body and leaving you a miserable, shivering shell of a human being barely able to even comprehend that a better world exists beyond these borders.

Don't ask the locals, they'll tell you otherwise.

They'll say "Alabama is a great place to raise a family". They'll tell you all about how it has a beautiful and diverse landscape. They'll invite you in with stories of southern hospitality and down home cooking. They'll lure you here with talk of a "slow, easy pace of life" and affordable housing.

But that's because they don't any better. They've been sucked into the black hole, never to escape into the light again. They've come to think that this is the greatest place on Earth and will defend their idealistic opinion of their homeland with every bit of Skoal flavored spit and piss they can muster.

Well, fuck them. I know better.

I'm going to use my little corner of the internet to spread the truth. I'm going to see to it that people on the outside, out there in the real world, hear my words. I speak absolute, undiluted truth that comes from a few decades of living in this festering shit storm. The things I say on this blog come not from the prejudicial standpoint of an outsider who's seen too many stereotypical depictions of southerners in movies and on television. The things I say come from personal experience.

I live in the belly of the beast.

The sick, ulcerous, beer bloated, cancer-ridden belly of a lumbering, toothless beast that beats his wife with one hand and thumps a Bible with the other.

Sweet home Alabama my fucking ass.